Steve's New World
by SwordsOfEternalLight
Summary: Usually people write fanfic's on people on Earth going to the Minecraft world! Well, one of the only characters in Minecraft, Steve, is now transported to our world! Yay!
1. Where Am I?

**Um…..Hello. First Minecraft fanfic, so maybe it won't be too good. The humor part of this comes a bit later and shouldn't be in play too much throughout the story. Anyways, now that I've gotten over making disjointed sentences, (hopefully) enjoy!**

A teenage boy (perhaps one of you readers out there) booted up his Minecraft game after a long, grueling day in school. Selecting a previous world to play, he set off on a personal errand, only to discover that he could not move.

Upon investigating further, he found he could not punch, jump, or even check inventory. With pressing F5, he discovered that he did not even have an avatar.

"What the- What's happening?"

* * *

Steve knew he had been spawned. The overwhelming, sudden bombardment of senses, the blank hole in his memory registering for a couple of days, and a complete bewilderment over his current setting. Current setting: A wheat field in the afternoon sun. He waited for the mind-controlling commands of the Player, but they never came. After a hiatus of waiting, Steve took a hesitant step forward. He'd never attempted to move on his own, even (more like especially) when a mob ambushed him. He'd always relied on the Player's commands for movement. Steve expected an enormous in-game siren and warning screen, or some shock of agony to keep him in place, or at least the game crashing around him. Instead, he watched as his foot stepped forward. That never happened in Minecraft. He was confused for only a moment before he produced a reasonable hypothesis ("Ah! It must be some new mod or maybe even an update!") and went off to punch trees.

Four hours later, Steve knew that either something was horribly wrong or that he did not like this update one bit. He had tried to punch some trees, but all he got was some bloody knuckles from scraping them against the rough tree bark. _Another thing I hate about this mod/update,_ Steve thought. How the heck were you supposed to do anything when the wood was too tough for punching? _Of course, you could collect some from a creeper explosion. And there are those "super-flat" worlds that have no wood in it….._

Steve had been too engrossed in attempting to punch wood that he didn't notice the sky growing darker. Soon it was evening, and Steve began panicking.

Steve decided to climb a tree for cover ("At least this's _something_ good about this update thingy.") with the few branches he had managed to scavenge from the ground. Giving an inward sigh of relief when he got to his destination within the tree, he scanned the ground for enemies. There were none. Two hours later (well into darkness level 7), there wasn't any sign of the aggressive mobs he usually saw. Steve's conclusion: "Ah, he must've switched it onto Peaceful mode!"

So he climbed down (not fell; he felt a little acrophobic at the time, luckily) and went on collecting tree branches.

**Like I said, not much so far in the humor department, though if you're rofl right now, then I think there might be something wrong with you. Kinda short, too…**

**Any reviews stating that I should stop writing will be seriously taken into account, but don't just do it for kicks. How can I tell? You'll see.**

**And REVIEW!**


	2. Steve's Nap

**Yay (I suppose)! No "stop writing" reviews, so the reviews are genuine! Oh no, now that I've said it, now they'll start pouring in! Especially after I've tortured some of you with up to a week of waiting. Not really that long, but still long enough.**

**Meh. Whatever. Not too much more to say, except a response to a guest review:**

**To Lyssuss,**

**Yes, I suppose. But you rarely see them, no? Usually it's about life in Minecraftia (i.e. ****Prophecy of Minecraftia****) or going into Minecraft (i.e. ….). So I thought this would be a good idea. And a new perspective.**

**Very interesting. A previous reviewer told me otherwise to your "make your chapters longer" comment. …That doesn't make sense, does it? So, I'll take both your advices and make them longer, but stop when I think appropriate. Deal?**

**So anyways, thanks for reviewing!**

**End message. A bit ironic that the longest and maybe most helpful review was the one I couldn't respond to. But all reviews are encouragement and helpful. Maybe not nyroc128's, but never mind.**

**On with the story!**

Steve put down his wood and yawned. For some unfathomable reason, he felt tired. Very, very tired. And the sun hadn't risen yet. Sure, the Player made him stay up sometimes, maybe because of a lack of a bed or he needed to do some oh-so-important thing. And he'd grown tired. But that was nothing compared to this.

Other than sleeping or getting killed in Minecraft, Steve had never laid down. Ever. **(A/N: Ever notice that? That he never trips or falls?)** But his body felt like there was a full inventory worth of gold or some other dense material in it; his eyelids were constantly fluttering, and his grasp on reality and consciousness felt far away and very narrow. If only he could lie down….

A wolf ran around him. Resa, if he remembered its name correctly. From – what world was it? It didn't matter. The wolf kept running. And smiling. Wolves never smiled. Only went evil if you punched them. But Resa was smiling. And laughing. In a female voice. Odd.

Steve's eyes suddenly flew open, but he thought they had already been open. And he thought his wolf had been with him. Well, apparently not. The sun was just rising over the mountains and he had been sleeping under a tree, his collected branched scattered all over. And he'd had a vision in his sleep. This was very odd. Steve sat up and began analyzing his situation. He was in a strange new update where 1. Trees were unpunchable 2. His limb movements were visible 3. He could sleep anywhere now.

Steve wasn't sure he liked this update. Even more than the 1.8.1 when he had to wait to get healed by his hunger meter. But he guessed that wood was still collectable, if difficult to collect, and that crafting tables were existent. It was his only shot. Steve's first attempt at crafting: He took 4 of the 30 or so branches he had collected and smashed them together. Result: a pile of branches, some of them broken. Second attempt: He tore some of the wood apart (wood - wooden planks) and put that together. Carefully. Result: A shoddy, crafting table-looking cube made of wood. Hopefully it would stand up and support the materials Steve crafted. Satisfied somewhat ("This update makes the crafting tables look cruddy!") , Steve began to craft.

Many broken branches and an hour later, Steve was in a foul mood. The wooden tools he'd crafted were weak and disfigured. _Honestly, what is _with_ this update? _Steve thought furiously. _Oh well…hopefully this gets better by stone tools._

**Oops, promptly forgot. Nothing in the story is mine except the storyline. Steve and Minecraft belong to Mojang and the storyline might belong to some other person, too. There. Happy, nonexistent scary lawyer people?**

**Many thanks to my current reviewers and some to my future reviewers. It's never too late to say what you think, so review. Again, I will accept any reviews stating that I should stop writing seriously. If you do it just for kicks, then I can tell and will smite you.**

**Sneak peek: Next chapter Steve encounters "Mobs"!**


	3. Sticks and Stones may break my bones

**Just as I was finishing this, I had a sudden thought. Would you guys like it/kill me if the story to be renamed "The Misadventures of Steve the Noob"? Why did I ask? I dunno.**

**This…..took…..toooo friggin' LOOONGGGGG to finish. Sorry. And I'm going delirious here. Great. Expect another update when I'm fully sane again.**

It was staring at him.

Steve stared back. He had no idea what it was, but it was staring at him from a tree. It also scared him (a debatable amount), so he had concealed himself behind semi-heavy foliage and, for good measure, sneaked (shift*).

Now he had been watching this little oddity that scared him so much for about half of the day-lit day. His surroundings had changed from the light of early dawn to heavy mid-morning shadows, painting dark shapes across the tree trunks. Without the shadows, he never would've seen it in its camouflage texture.

Though it was still day, Steve dared not move from his hiding place – even under the guard of broad daylight. Yes, it scared him that much. He'd never seen the likes of it back home – not even ghasts scared him this much. At least they moved, were audible, and could be shot down. And they were like giant, flying squids. His current dizziness and dryness of his throat didn't help his thought process flow any more rationally, along with a temporary OCD for collecting wood. Right now, what he wanted to do most was maybe lie down for a little (even if it meant risking having the visions), get some more wood, and attack the little Oddity. And now that he had thought about it, if this were all a great big update, then that Oddity was a man-made AI manifestation that could be beat.

So Steve charged.

Steve had never heard or known of war cries, but he screamed one as he dashed the distance between him and the Oddity. Sticks weren't the greatest of weapons, but it served Steve well as one as he struck at the Oddity with delirious energy.

The stick broke.

Steve sat back. Sticks never broke, they were only burnt or crafted…..and the Oddity hadn't moved a single inch. Its wooden snout (or eye, as Steve began to think of it) still protruded out of tree's trunk, with that big, circular nostril/iris boring into its head. Its "brains" were all over the place inside its nostril, with the little twigs scattered around and an intact formation of twigs in the corner. Maybe a section of the brain. Some sort of fur was in there too, looking exactly like the chicken feathers that Steve had much sought out for arrows.

At least that's how Steve saw the knothole. He'd never learn that it was actually a part of the tree and not some super-biological animal/bio-system that had imbedded itself in a tree and sheltered many things.

* * *

The dry throat and dizziness didn't lessen up as Steve walked away from the Oddity. Instead, it was accompanied by a throbbing headache. All symptoms unknown to Steve, and also with unknown cures. He was wondering what caused these ailments, stumbling away, and happened to chance upon a river (thanks to the author's Hand of Fate). Bobbing in the water were little animals he found unknown to him but slightly familiar. Then one of the animals quacked, and Steve's face lit up at his recognition of these animals as the chickens from Minecraft ("Finally. I found something right!"), albeit a bit odd-shaped and –sounding, and heavily texture-packed. He paused as growls punctuated the air. He couldn't find the source, but it seemed close….then his stomach gave a twinge and Steve remembered his hunger bar. Apparently a growling stomach meant he was hungry.

Hungry meant he needed food.

Chickens were food.

Steve clambered into the river. It was awfully cold, and stones lined the bottom. Water wasn't cold and stones didn't line bottoms of rivers in Minecraft. Steve found both of these inconvenient.

_Ugh….the water's cold…..the stone at the bottoms hurts….wait…..my wooden tools will take care of that! Soon I'll have that stone, and I'll mine out iron to mine out diamonds to fight the Enderdragon….and then the world will fall out of place…_

Steve had never been in danger of drowning in water that wasn't two blocks tall. So it was a bit of a surprise when he found he had tripped and sprawled himself over the stones, breath fading in water that wasn't quite 2 feet deep.

At least it woke him up properly. The cold shock sharpened his senses and mind, which had dulled from the fatigue he (**and I**) felt. Water went up his mouth and down his throat as he floundered. Amazingly, it wasn't suffocating or harming him (he'd never had water in his mouth and body before). It actually felt quite nice. The cool, wet water complemented nicely with his hot, dry throat, and his body relaxed and released all the fatigue it had accumulated. Now he felt better. Much better.

Sadly, it did nothing about his hunger. It would've been (too) perfect if it filled his stomach, too. Steve supposed that was why the chickens had spawned here. For him to eat with water to eat, too. (He didn't know you _drink_ water)

Somewhat awkwardly, Steve sloshed his way through the water. He prepared to deliver the four fatal hits to a chicken and have a full stomach….and the chickens flew off.

As soon as he had barely come within striking distance, the chickens had taken flight. They lifted themselves out of the water and had flown to another feeding ground. Steve was left to stupidly blink and replay the flying chickens in his mind. True, chickens could flap and slow their fall, but nobody had ever told Steve that they could use that ability to fly, too. How was he supposed to eat now? Notch had been cruel this time around. Steve pounded the surface of the water in frustration. How would he live?

* * *

*for those who don't get it, pressing down the Shift button in Minecraft will make you sneak. That is, you'll hang on to the edge of a block and your username will become transparent/invisible.

**Rather stupid ending. If you think otherwise, please let me know and I'll be happy to hop over and incur correctional discipline on your mind. JK, sorry.**

**So, the hasty introduction of "mobs." I was planning to put a spider and Steve's paranoia of them in there somewhere, but you'll have to make do with my (stupid) cliffhanger. That is, if anybody is there to "make do" with anything.**

**Review, as I can track your story reads and will take a lack of review as a silent scorn.**


	4. But Spiders REALLY Scare Me

**Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! I kept you waiting for (checks dates) over a month! I've been too busy and I kept writing this chapter on and off. I'll try to **

**The day I updated with the third chapter, the number of views spiked to 97! And I believe I have regained some semblance of sanity here, so I'll start writing again. Yay! Write write write write right rite write write!**

**On with the story because I can't think of anything coherent to say.**

"_Growl…..growl….growl…"_

"Shut up!"

"_Growl…..growl….growl…"_

"I said shut UP!"

"_Growl…..growl….GROWL…"_

"GGRRAAAAWWWL!"

This somewhat comical conversation legitimately was happening. Steve, unable to find some way to placate the growls and twists his empty stomach gave, was now sitting crossly in front of the river and arguing with it. He seemed a bit stuck progress-wise.

Yes, the water was fine and all that, but he _really really really _needed some food right now. He remembered the moderately frequent times the Player had neglected his hunger bar and screamed bloody murder at the computer as he slowly starved to death. Steve didn't really want a repeat of that experience. And who knows what might happen when he _died_ in this strange update. Maybe he would respawn, maybe he would end up in a prison in the End. Who knows?

Steve was thinking, if you didn't know up to now, about this stuff. Then he remembered something so obvious to most that wasn't so for Steve. "Aha! Chickens aren't the only food around here!" So he hopefully, somewhat triumphantly, and wearily trudged into the forest.

Steve really had no idea what he was looking for. As far as he knew, the only food that grew in the wild were cocoa beans, and they had to be crafted into a cookie for usage. Chickens were out of the question, some pigs or cows would be nice but he couldn't find any. He could scavenge the remains of zombies and spiders for Rotten Flesh and Spider Eyes, but it wasn't dark enough yet, and Steve felt a bit squeamish about eating such disgusting food. Oh yes, apples. He'd completely forgotten about them. He could cut down a tree – wait, trees were invincible here – and gather apples from the dying leaves! They were abundant since recent updates, so he could easily fill his hunger meter/stomach. Now, one problem….

….how to touch the leaves.

No matter what he did, they stayed out of reach and harm. He couldn't reach some. He couldn't punch some, as the ones he could simply parted around his blows.

Steve sighed and turned to the next tree. He kept hoping that he could find a tree this phenomenon did not affect, but every tree he went to had this problem. In the shadows of this tree, he froze.

Something was staring at him. For real.

He made out a black, segmented body. Eight shiny orbs. Eight hairy legs.

A shriek tore through the forest. Steve managed to stutter to no one, "S-S-S-SP-SP-SP-SPI-SPIIIIIIDDDERRRR! AAAAAAAAAA"

Never mind the fact that this spider was horribly off scale. Steve had intense arachnophobia and an acute paranoia of them as well. His first nights in Minecraft had never ended well: death by unknown assailant, death by spider, death by falling, immediate attack by spider at spawn, partially blown up by creeper, creeped out by spider, mobbed by zombie, and finding a spider jockey. He had never had the guts to kill a spider on his own, only with the Player's assistance. He had never been able to make a bow, lacking the string and courage to kill spiders.

In short, Steve was scared of spiders. They had crept far enough into his brain that he would have a meltdown when his brain recognized one or anything similar. Sadly, no one bothered to correct it with proper rehabilitation facilities or even a licensed counselor, so now we have Steve bolting like a maniac through the woods.

_Spider spider spider have to get away uh oh tree tree TREE go left left run run run don't trip keep running go east Timor left right up down tree duck spider spider? AAAAAAAASPIDERRUNRUNRUN_

Every time Steve saw a spider (up until now, he'd never noticed how many there were in a tree) he'd do an about-face and dash in any direction away from the spider. Adrenaline gave him what a depleted hunger meter took, and he raced at top speed through the forest.

He entered a clearing. _Spider? Spider. There, on the tree. And that one! No, not that one…..THAT ONE! Spiders! Coming toward me….On the ground….._

"Go away! Go away! GOOOooo away!" Steve shrieked, crumpling to the ground. This was a nightmare. Or would've been, had there been any spiders.

Steve spent the rest of the time until dawn curled up in a ball.

**Something I should mention: I always write my stories, "La de la de la," planning to proofread it later, and then I get too lazy and don't bother to do it. So basically it's all rough draft. If you complain about story quality or such, well there you go. And I believe the story quality so far is bad. But disregarding that fact, and I think this is a pretty badly written chapter anyways. And the tone seems kind of over-sinister. Am I losing my touch?**

**Again, some stuff: Should I change the story title? It appears no one cares or has noticed, as I see from the feedback so far. Actually, forget it. **


	5. Going to Eat-dom

**I decided to update today, as it is 12/12/12! This is last time in this century that all three digits will be the same.**

**Additionally, the last chapter sucked, and was not humorous at all. So I'm gonna try to actually try and proofread.**

**The ratio of reviews to views is insulting. I'll interpret a lack of reviews as "This chapter sucked!" and a lack of feedback will allow me to go la de la de la, and then the chapters' quality will keep dropping.**

**Written with the goal of humor:**

Steve awoke the next morning to a red dawn and curled up in a ball. He was drowsy, confused, and half-starved. Remember, he still hasn't had a good meal yet.

He started where he had left off: punching leaves. It was not any easier than punching trees. Steve wasted a good amount of time punching at some low-looking leaves, trying to destroy them and get apples. No matter what he did, the leaves he attempted to destroy simply shifted around or weren't touched at all. He could imagine someone standing at his side and saying _Fail fail fail fail _every time he punched. This update made everything impossible. No wood, no tools, no chicken, and no way to replenish his hunger meter. Really, how was Steve supposed to do anything here? It was all impossible! It was all stupidly impossible! It was all completely impossible! It was all freakin—

Ow. Steve had tripped on what looked like a green, planty stick. A vine, Steve supposed, except it had tripped him and was growing the wrong way. Stupid vine. But on the vine was what looked like food. So maybe not so stupid vine. Little round purple spheres, plump and juicy, peppered the plant of origin. They were probably filled with the digital code that would give him strength and end his starvation. He shakily picked one and stared at it, about to eat for the first time since forever…..

His imaginary guardian angel jumped out of the brush, screaming, "Noduneatthose Don't eat those! DON'T DO IT STEVEEEEEE!" before subsequently being tackled down and silenced by in-story security guards. But the damage had been done. Steve was startled enough to drop the berries. Into a mud puddle. Steve stared at the fallen berry.

His final food source.

Gone. Forever. Into the mud.

Steve fell to his knees and threw a temper tantrum/end-of-the-world reaction louder than ever before. Seeing as he'd never thrown one, the conditions qualified anything from a whisper to a sonic boom. But even by anybody's standards, this one was pretty good. Imagine if your last hope in the world was gone. You probably didn't imagine it, but anyways, that was Steve. Besides in the danger of starvation, the hunger pangs had taken a toll on him, making him short-tempered and irritable. Not things conventionally found in Minecraft, but did he care?

As if terrible Fate was trying to compensate his current miserable condition (or exacerbate; it could be a year-old squirrel turd), something hard hit his face. Adding insult to the injury. Steve didn't care anymore about anything. He was surprised it wasn't raining right now, like how it had rained on his dignity. But the object caught his eye with in a red, sparkly glance.

It was an apple.

It had probably fallen from the leaves above him when he had screamed for Armageddon to consume his nightmarish world. So yes, he had yelled pretty darned loud.

Steve felt the ground tussle and fall from underneath him, the air and shadows evaporate, only they weren't. Steve only felt it. It felt as if the Aether had descended and given him the largest diamond mine he had ever seen, except this was an insignificant apple he was talking about here. Now for the problem…..

Steve did not know how to eat.

In Minecraft, the Player activated some function that would have Steve bring the food item to his face, and then pieces would fly off as it was gradually transmuted and absorbed into him as energy. He noticed it seemed like a messy way to "eat." Here in this strange update, Steve couldn't figure out how to eat.

He tried putting it up to his face. Nothing except an extra eyeful of the apple, and it was torture to look at it without being able to eat.

He tried smashing his face into it, as if the nutrients would fly off and gravitate to him. It pained and gave his face some interesting colors (as he would find out later), but did nothing to abate his hunger.

Maybe the falling of the apple was a sign. So Steve threw it up and let it hit his face. As funny as that would've been, that was not how to eat.

On his fifth run with the throwing-the-apple-up-in-the-air-to-eat-it attempt, he noticed something in his mouth _for the first time _as the apple hit him in the mouth_._ The things were hard, smooth-ish, and arranged in a rough semicircle in his mouth. Yes, for the first time ever, Steve had discovered he had _teeth._ He also discovered he had some fleshy appendage in his mouth (the tongue) as well. He couldn't feel it, but could feel through it. It seemed like a waste of space and energy to have a worthless appendage there. Nonetheless, they were there and would be another mystery of the Update that Steve would ponder, though not for long.

As the apple hit his teeth, they partially bit into the apple, releasing a sweet syrup into his mouth. To those who eat apples every day, it might not seem like much, but to the starving Steve, it was heaven. The juice was the first taste he had ever encountered, and after the long days of hardships and a bad taste in his mouth, this sweetness was comparably better.

Now relying on instinct, Steve tore into the apple. He discovered that some of the teeth were for chomping parts of the apple off, and that they were not very good at chewing. The teeth on the back, on the other hand, were useless in chomping off but useful in chewing. He still did not know what the fleshy appendage was for, but he thought it might have had to do with moving the food in his mouth.

All too soon, Steve found the apple that once existed in his hands was gone. He looked up and around for more. To his surprise, the apple had not come from a trunkless tree and decaying leaves; instead, they hung in what appeared to be item form from leaf blocks. None of them were on the ground, as what would've been typical for the decay of leaves.

Steve thought smartly that if he destroyed the leaves the apples hung from, the apples would fall and then he could eat them. Simple! Except that he still couldn't reach the leaves. It was much too high, hanging up above his range of punching.

**Meh. I'll just end the chapter here, just because I can't think anymore and I can't continue. It's a stupid place to end it, yes, but it'll have to do.**

**Now remember my first A/N. It's okay to leave harsh, critiquing reviews; they help me write too. No review is worse than a bad review, as is true with everything, so please review if you have something to say or thought of something**_**.**_


	6. The Apple Dilemma

**So, based off of some reviews, it seems people are confused on where exactly Steve is. Should I explain? Very well: Steve is now in our world, not a weird update. The only reason he keeps thinking so is because…well, it only makes sense, right? He assumes he's still in Minecraft, and that everything is just another feature of the Update. But no. Again, Steve is somehow in our world…I think the first chapter should've explained that….**

**Should I answer guest reviews? No? Whatever. I won't have Steve meet humans **_**quite**_** yet, but he will. And it'll be hilarious, I can promise at least that. I think.**

"Apple!" said Steve.

"No!" he said. "It's too high!"

"But I'm hungry!" he wailed.

"Doesn't matter. If you lose too many hearts trying to get dem apples, then the apples will be useless!" he cried.

"Oh, all right." Steve sighed, then went over to the tree and tried to get an apple anyways.

Steve had not actually met anyone. **(I said LATER!) **He had started feeling lonely for some reason. True enough that there was usually nobody to talk to. But Steve had never felt anything like this. It was loneliness, but not quite, as it was many times stronger than before. So long as he had been running, jumping, exploring, building, crafting, or anything else, he had been preoccupied or excited enough to keep the loneliness away. And he never really was alone; he had had the Player to guide him.

So he started talking to himself.

It wasn't all that bad of a thing. Sure, it was weird at first, but then it became a practical, everyday thing to him. He'd figured out many things this way

Anyways, he had been trying unsuccessfully to grab an apple from the tree where we had left him last. Since then, he had killed some 2 hours trying to get an apple approximately 2 blocks (2 meters for us) up. But since the Update, nothing was working for Steve. The dirt blocks he placed on the ground simply disintegrated and fell apart. Steve had no idea how the Updaters expected him to do anything now. Dirt had been a stable and dependable supply of temporary and disposable building blocks. He had even made a shelter from zombies from dirt once, which had worked pretty well. How was he to do anything with dirt now?

Then Steve got an idea. If the Player was watching, he would be able to come up with some idea or plan to save him! Surely the Player wouldn't want him starving or getting killed over an apple, would he? Players always came up with ingenious solutions to these problems. Steve had learned the jump-stack technique early on, but with the faulty dirt, it was now up to the Players.

He turned his face toward the heavens, waiting for some sudden possession of his limbs or an idea.

Nothing.

Darn.

He looked back up at the tree. The apples were still there, glistening in the sunlight, lusciously delicious-looking, and still out of reach. Steve wanted that apple. In anger, he threw the first thing that entered his hand and threw it up.

The apple fell down.

Steve's eyesight did too, following the apple in surprise. And thus he invented the First Law of Steve's Physics: when you throw something up, something else (preferably apples) falls down.

Of course, this didn't always work. Steve threw everything he could up, and he found that not everything that came down was different. He decided that it was a random factor, put into the Update. This way, he reasoned, the Updaters wouldn't let him starve, but it was still annoying that he had to throw up stuff a lot to get a few apples.

Again, Steve underwent the "How to Eat an Apple" ritual. He wondered if the first time had simply been a fluke of some sort that had allowed him to eat the apple without knowing quite how. Maybe the Player was back and would make Steve eat the apples using whatever the Player did to make Steve eat the apple. He waited.

Again, no response.

So Steve tried it himself. "Wheeee!" said the apple as it flew up, down, and bonked off of Steve's chin.

* * *

Eventually, Steve learned that eating was not a mechanical process, but one that he had to control manually, just like walking or punching. Steve was surprised at first, (imagine having to breath or pump your heart on command) but he accepted it as another one of the hardships of the Update and moved on.

After returning to the river and getting another drink ("So much easier to navigate with this Update! Wow!") and ate a few apples, Steve was somewhat satisfied. At least he wasn't going to starve. But he couldn't imagine that this was all that was to life in Minecraft. "What about the Enderdragon?" he asked once. "Or all the mobs, and ore mining! It's all part of Minecraft, and it'll always be! But I haven't seen a single cave or creeper….."

He was staring into the water when he felt a foreign presence. And the last sound he ever heard (this chapter) was the _grunt _of a certain pink mob he knew of_._

**Thanks for reading and reviewing, everyone! Because of some complications, I've decided to end the story here and let someone else take over it, if possible. So I'll hold a contest for the best chapter sequel for this. NOT. BWAAHAHA no I'm not actually ending this FF that was a joke fat chance. Random thing to the first person to get the reference! Excluding Nyroc, 'cuz it's just too obvious. **

**I haven't updated in a rrreeeeeaaaaallllly long time. Sorry! Methinks I am losing my touch.**

**BLEAAARRHHEWIAJFIEJFKAJAKJFK SDFJFFFAZZZZZZZDZ…**


	7. This is a Pig?

**Gah this took too much longer than necessary. Sorry….**

**To Spider Jim: Ahahaha nice. "I like yer gumption, kid!" –Grunkle Stan; Gravity Falls. **

**Aaannnddd I'm done ranting.**

Undergrowth and bushes rustled as Steve pushed his way to the source of the grunt. When he finally found it, he was shocked.

The pig was gray. Everyone knew that pigs weren't gray; they were pink and stub-nosed and derpy. This pig had the stub-nose, all right, but it was gray (already mentioned), somewhat hairy, and ferocious-looking. Just when Steve was about to dismiss this as some mutant wolf or a texture pack glitch, the pig-thing uttered another "grunt." Unless the Update had added another mob that could grunt, this was, to the best of his knowledge, indeed a pig.

Steve's mouth watered. Pork was always tasty.

So as any of you would've done, he walked up and started punching the pig.

Big mistake.

With the first punch, the pig merely grunted. Oddly, it didn't glow red for a moment, as did every mob in Minecraft when hurt. With the second punch, the pig snorted and turned around. Steve frowned. Usually pigs would run after he started punching them, and it was always a hassle to chase after them. Maybe this was an anesthetized pig?

The third punched fully provoked the boar. With a squeal implying "Prepare to die!" it tossed Steve up in the air and down to the base of a tree. It didn't hurt too much, thankfully, but Steve's head hurt anyways. A pig? Attacking him? This was as surprising as a creeper expecting to be petted, and then not blowing up.

Uh oh. It was coming back for another charge. Steve just realized how sharp and pointy the tusks were. He rolled to the side just as they stabbed at his past self's chest. He did not want to know what would've happened if his current self had been in his past self's spot. He spontaneously started imagining a very graphic scene, somehow filled with rose dye.

He decided that the Updaters had gone too far with the graphics.

He couldn't worry too much about that, though, as he had to constantly jump and dodge away from those sharp tusks. Experience from many skeleton encounters helped. A lot.

The pig-thing charged. He dodged. It stabbed with its tusks with a grunt. He grunted back and jumped. It charged again. He rolled. It made a pig-style swipe with tusks. He dropped to the ground. It attempted to stomp him. He instinctively punched and moved back. It loomed over him. He jumped up and rebounded off the tree. Parkour. But he was tiring quickly, and with each maneuver he made, it only made the evil-pig-thing (maybe a deranged zombie pigman? From the Nether? No?) angrier and thus fueled its actions.

In desperation, he threw one of his more disgusting-looking apples he had been carrying (and somehow not dropped – "Thank the inventory!") at the pig-thing. It arced through the air, bonked off of the pig's ear, and thumped to the ground. Rather ineffective.

But it did stall the battle for a while. The pig, attention snared by the scent of the apple, looked down for a moment to sniff it, and then promptly ate it. Steve seized this opportunity to arm himself with another apple, but then the need to fire disappeared. The falsetto-pig started staggering around, squealing in an odd manner, and Steve could've sworn that there was something wrong with its eyes (Steve couldn't read eyes. To him, all pigs look the same, all the time, so…)

It eventually collapsed on the grass, snorting and kicking a leg every once in a while. Steve, shocked, at first just stared at the beast. _Was it really over?_ he thought. Then curiosity got to the better of him and he sneaked around to the pig-beast's head to investigate.

Its eyes were closed. Everything about it suggested to Steve that it was either dead or in that odd lying-down, dreaming state. Both possibilities said that the beast was no longer a threat. Still recovering from the shock of the encounter, Steve sat back against the pig's flank.

**I made a spoof ending. It's sort of like a blooper. Just to keep you people occupied, I've included it here. It starts after "Unless the Update had added another mob that could grunt, this was, to the best of his knowledge, indeed a pig.**

"BLLELALAAARRRRRGGGHHH!" Steve nearly screamed/barfed. He had gone after his pork, but the pig apparently was not what he thought it to be. At the first punch, it went from a passive, pig mob to the most dangerous, aggressive grey missile he'd ever seen, chasing after his mortality. After about 10 blocks (10 meters) it had caught up with him and attacked him somehow. It was not fancifully different from when a zombie clawed him, but it was different. The same pain was there, but now it seemed like it would be permanent and there was something trickling down his back. At first he thought that this evil pig was a venomous zombie, but a quick survey of his back proved otherwise.

His back had been torn open, with red juice streaming down from the wound (at least it looked like red juice, but it made Steve sick to see it). It hurt. A lot.

Even though this was a K+ rated story, and humans were promised in the end, Steve felt his life and the story ending. As he blacked out, he realized that he would die, but not respawn.

Welcome to a world not Minecraft.

**Bwaahahahaa yeah that was a spoof. Hope you enjoyed it and sorry for the graphic-ness but technically it's not canon to a non-canon story so whatever.**

**And I took too long to update. Yay. I will try to churn out the next chapter fairly quickly.**

**And I get the feeling that someone else can write on this great topic better than me….**


	8. Bad Piggies

**Cheer. I have not written for a really long time. Again. I am too busy. No I'm not, I'm just lazy. **

**Anyways, I just realized that I had three pages of reviews. That's a sort of long way from when I started, I guess. Ack screw nostalgia for the moment. Some responses to guest reviews:**

**To FalenOfTheForest: Yeah, modern comedy is a lot of that, I think. Or maybe it was a specific comedy. I dunno. Anyways, thanks for reviewing, Falen! Or should I say, **_**Grank?**_

**To Mr. Lolz (aka hahahahahahahaha)**

**Uh…sure. Just…..don't laugh too much. You're gonna bust a lung or something. **

**I can't think of anything to say. To the story!**

It was still still, if that made any sense at all.

Steve was still propped up against the flank of the beast. He found it rather warm and squishy, somehow very comfortable. He knew pigs weren't this squishy-feeling. He'd never leaned against a sheep before, but he'd felt them through flying fists, and they didn't feel half as soft as the thing he was leaning against. Even the beds he depended on to pass the time until morning were harder than this; he'd noticed that they sounded like cobblestones when trod on.

The pig grunted.

Steve froze. He slowly reached for another apple.

The pig got up.

Steve jumped away from the flank of the pig and aimed an apple. With luck, it would disable the pig-thing long enough for him to escape.

The pig turned around to face him.

Steve threw the apple. He knew its potency came from the apple itself, like a Potion of Poisoning or Harming, so his throw wasn't quite powerful enough. It bounced on the ground a few feet in front of the pig.

The pig thing advanced to eat the apple.

Steve drew breath in sharp fear. The pig thing had gotten closer. _Oh bad oh bad oh bad stupid stupid stupid._

The pig thing ate the apple with a _crunch_.

Steve slowly backed away as the apple got smaller. When it was gone completely, the pig thing looked up at Steve, who wasn't quite far enough from it.

The pig stumbled forward a couple feet.

Steve backed away a couple feet.

The pig trotted forward another couple of feet, looking expectant.

Steve backed away a couple of feet, looking scared.

The pig gave a squeal, and Steve gave a scream, expecting the pig to charge and…well, do whatever fearful thing sharp tusks did to a screaming Steve. But instead, the pig sat back on its hind legs and sort of panted, in a manner most familiar.

Steve's eyes widened. The pig was acting just like a tamed wolf. Only wolves didn't do much but turn to look at you when sitting down.

He noticed it was looking expectantly at him and his apples. Steve let another apple drop. The pig trotted forward and proceeded to eat it.

Steve dropped another apple, now fascinated by this game he was playing, but the pig merely looked at it, then looked up at him and grunted. Somehow, Steve understood that the pig was now full. But then what? Steve was one who rode and killed pigs, not tame them and feed them! Of course, he occasionally gave some wheat to regenerate their numbers in a particularly pig-massacred area, and used carrot-on-a-stick to guide them when riding them, but still! Pigs were basically slaves, entities with no mind or emotion that were to be exploited for their meat. Pigs weren't supposed to be like wolves!

Like always, when faced with a Minecraftian paradox, Steve's head started hurting. So he walked over to the river, some ways away, and with the pig-thing (Steve was debating the credibility of its name) still following him. Steve did not know about pinching oneself to check if they were dreaming, as he did not fully understand sleep yet, so he closed his eyes, attempted to open the menu, and then Save and Quit to Title. When he opened his eyes again, believing that he had saved and reset, the pig was still there. Steve did not know how to react to this. Ordinarily, any glitches or bugs would've been debugged by saving and going back to the title page, but this glitch seemed defiant of Minecraftian logic. In human computing terms, it was a particularly large glitch.

Then Minecraftian logic struck again. _Ah, this must be a mod!_ thought Steve. That would solve every problem. Some lunatic had made this mod, and the Player had downloaded it, and now that was were Steve was. Of course, Steve thought to himself, frowning, this didn't quite answer why the Player didn't seem present.

Steve's response? He fainted. His Minecraft-accustomed brain couldn't handle the shock of such life-changing Updates any longer.

The boar waited faithfully.

**Yup, that's the end. I just used a lot of space on formatting! Yay! GIOJE3IJWIOEFJIAOWEJFIOj I am losing my touch, aren't I? I need to write more…**

**Sorry about the long lapse. Hope you actually liked this chapter**


End file.
